Keeping Tabs: What's Going On at the National Enquirer

You know what I'm tired of? Politics, at least for this week. Why don't we relax and check out the hard-hitting headlines at America's last objective news source, The National Enquirer?

Well, right off the bat, I see that Larry Hagman just died. In Dallas, of course. It's funny how a guy who was famous for two iconic macho roles - astronaut and Texas oil man - had such a, uh, twinkly quality in real life.

Hope Solo, who is some kind of women's soccer star (sorry, I missed the Olympics this year) is getting married to a former pro football player who seems to have been arrested on his wedding day for --- beating up his soon-to-be wife and some of her male relatives. People always tsk-tsk over women staying with their abusers - bad role models for young girls, and all - but hasn't it become obvious that (a) some women enjoy these sorts of relationships and (b) their "communities" approve of them on some level?

Halle Barry's ex-BF and current BF got into a brawl at her house (this is at TMZ, but I couldn't stand not to use it), no doubt egged on by their nutty mutual inamorata. (Check out Berry's crazy look at the link. She looks like a skinny Adam Lambert). Nothing like drugs, sexual jealousy, and Frenchiness to get the sap running.

John McAfee is still on the lam in Belize. What I can't get over is that he only made $100 million from the sale of his software. I drive by the McAfee building all the time. You'd think the guy who "built that" would have another zero next to that number.

There's a new theory that OJ was not the murderer of his wife and her waiter. Rather, the deed was done by a serial killer named Glen Rogers who just happens to be on Death Row, and has decided his new hobby is making up crazy stories.

Did you know that Thursday was the 49th anniversary of the Kennedy assassination? That's just not a big deal any more, is it? Also, the Enquirer says "questions remain."

A "blockbuster" tell-all book - is there any other kind? - purports to blow the lid off of Elizabeth "Bewitched" Montgomery's red-hot sex life, including passionate affairs with the likes of Dean Martin, Gary Cooper and Elvis; further evidence in support of my long held theory that there was plenty of sex to be had before the Sexual Revolution.

Kristen Stewart was spotted eating lunch with Ben Affleck. (Don't worry! He's just casting a movie!) Am I alone in thinking she's the least attractive "sex symbol" of the modern era?

Add Dawn "Mary Ann on Gilligan Island" Wells to the list of celebrities gone to seed. My recollection is that Ginger - the loose sex siren - was, in real life, a conservative Republican. So, the "good" girl was bad while the "bad" girl was actually OK. H'wood is congenitally incapable to casting to type.

Matt Lauer is supposedly heading forcibly out the door from the Today Show. Apparently, the show's female audience doesn't want to watch a guy who cheats on his wife (including an affair with married co-host/hussy Natalie Morales) and gets his female co-workers fired. The morning news format has to be the most overrated of them all: too many "regulars;" an ackward mix of hard news and soft Martha Stewart-type stuff; the anchors never do well away from their AM thrones. But, the anchors are a WMD that the media can deploy one time to destructive effect - like, say, when you need to "destroy" a female conservative - so you still have to watch out for them.

The 74-year old Jane Fonda has called off her forthcoming wedding. Not to rub it in, Baby Boomers, but in a couple years, Hanoi Jane will be the same age as Henry was when he died.

Mrs. Petraeus is getting ready to file for divorce. I guess she's decided it's too late to "fight for her man" given how much she has let herself go.

Regardless of how badly Patraeus behaved in betraying not just his family but also the military and all of the civilians who supported him during the "Betray-us" days, it's also a measure of the low, dishonest era we are living through that he has acquired household-name status via a sex scandal, rather than through winning the Iraq War.

Randy "Macho" Comacho has died after being shot in the face. If he had survived, he could have made PSA's about not sitting in cars with guys carrying packets of cocaine in their pockets.

And, Christina Aguilara fell down and split her pants. Might be time to invest in some Muu-Muu's.