The Torture Never Stops

Bill Simmons' recent column on the 15 most tortured teams/fans in sport was an instant classic despite some predictable bits (Cubs are the number one most tortured? Wow, didn't see that coming), but a lot of surprises, too. Cleveland has no less than 3 teams in the Top 10 (Browns, Indians, Cavaliers). Buffalo has 2. Also, I see that our local nine, the Giants, are considered at top-10 "tortured" team, although I have to say I don't think of myself as tortured when I go to see them play. We have a very nice ballpark. If you want my opinion, the Oakland A's are well on their way to becoming a more tortured team. Go to any A's game and you will hear a lot more complaining about dumb trades and lost hopes than you will ever hear at a Giants game.

Of course, Simmons has now been contacted by all sorts of people claiming special privileges as tortured. Some of these are surprising, to say the least. We're Tortured Too!

For example, did you know that people in Vancouver have been suffering from the performance of the Canucks?

On a deeply, deeply personal level, that Game 7 loss against the Rangers in the most epic Stanley Cup Finals EVER meant more to this city than anything else, even amongst the memories of broken windows and flag-burning on Robson Street. Using your criteria, here's why:

1. The Canucks have been in existence since 1970, making 2010 their 40th anniversary. In that sense they qualify, even though they lack any sort of unifying identity. My Crayola box has fewer colors than the ones the Canucks have used in their history.

2. The Canucks have never relocated and never will. The fan base here is as good as any.

3. If that '94 finals wasn't bad enough (in Pat Quinn's words, "We played seven games and were better in four of them"), how about the complete decimation of the roster in the late '90s and 2000s?

This guy makes a good case for The Milwaukee Brewers:

Rock Bottom 1: In the mid-'90s to the early '00s, small-market teams such as the Brewers get worse and worse. The guy making the rules was Bud Selig … THE BREWERS' OWNER!!!!!!!

Rock Bottom 2: In the height of the steroids era, how many Brewers were listed? Zero!!! Nobody has been implicated. The Brewers thought that the being honest in the steroids era would win them something. OUR OWNER WAS THE COMMISSIONER!!!!! WHY DIDN'T HE GIVE THE TEAM POINTERS ON HOW TO BEND THE RULES?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

And then there's the Atlanta Falcons:

Know any other teams who had their franchise QB sent to prison for DOG FIGHTING???

Know any other teams who had their HEAD COACH leave like a coward in the night to take the NINTH-best head coaching job in the SEC???

Oh yeah, no other franchise has ever gone longer without back-to-back winning seasons, either.

Then, there's the bottom of the barrel of the bottom of the barrel AFC West: the Kansas City Chiefs:

I'll put the Griefs "officially tortured" pedigree up against just about anyone. We're not talking about the Saints or Lions here -- this is a franchise that from the early '90s through the mid-aughts put together numerous winning seasons, including three 13-3 seasons and a nine-year run (from '89-'97) of consecutive winning seasons. Playoff record over that time? 3-9. This is a team that, for the better part of two decades, gave you hope and reason to cheer nearly ever year but once playoff time rolled around failed to deliver time after time and seemed to take a certain macabre joy in repeatedly kicking its fans in the plums.

Since 1969 season: AFC championships: Broncos 6, Raiders 4, Chiefs 0. Super Bowls titles: Raiders 3, Broncos 2, Chiefs 0.

If you don't understand how painful this 40-year run is for Chiefs fans, you haven't been paying attention. Knowing that Al Davis and Pat Bowlen hoisted the trophy with Lamar Hunt's name on it a total of 10 times (to ZERO for the Chiefs) was painful then and still makes me want to paint my face and break car windows with my head Lattimer-style.

(Note how this Chiefs fan is upset only by the fact that the Raiders and Broncos have won championships. Who cares, right? Well, there's a funny thing about the AFC West that you don't know until you live there. The teams absolutely HATE each other, even though none of them are what you would call teams of destiny. I grew up in DC, so I know a thing or two about divisional rivalries, but in the NFC East the teams are usually playing high stakes football (in any given year, there are 3 realistic play-off contenders, but they all know that only 2 can make it). Not so in the AFC West! Still, they go all out to ruin each other's day. This year, Raider coach Tom Cable motivated his hapless team to win a late-season game against the Broncos simply by saying "It's Denver. We need to keep them out of the playoffs." And it worked! You know, coach, it's always an option for your team to play well every week so you can go to the playoffs, too. I figure the rivalries in the AFC West are so heated because the stakes are so low.)

Then, there's the Detroit Lions:

I'm a lifelong Lions fan (27 years). At least Vikings fans had 30 seconds where they thought they were going to do it. I dream about the day the Lions are good enough to give me 30 seconds of hope.

There are a lot of tortured souls out there in sportsland. What's even funnier is the resentment of these tortured fans against the Chicago Cubs, who actually make money being lovable losers. The Wagnerian "torture" experienced by fans of the Cubs and (formerly) the Red Sox is alleviated by the very public manner in which fans of those teams were able to loudly bemoan their fate in the manner of the mother in Portnoy's Complaint. Meanwhile, other fan bases (Buffalo, Cleveland, Minnesota Vikings) toil and suffer in obscurity, even as their chosen teams try and fail and fail again.